My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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