Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
