In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
