Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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