Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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