did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
