Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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