What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have aggressive nipples.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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