Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
