So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
