I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
