I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
