Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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