I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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