I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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