his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
