My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
