Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
