I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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