Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
