It's a beautiful day for a hangover
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
