She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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