She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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