I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
