All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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