this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
