Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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