i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
