vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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