im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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