you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
