I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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