God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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