I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
