Dual....:-)
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
