saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You smell like stripper and shame
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
