I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
