dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
