You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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