True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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