Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
