Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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