I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize