I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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