his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
