I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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