Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
