Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
