She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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