I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
