Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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