Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
