Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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