can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
