I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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