I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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