I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
