i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
