Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
