I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
