Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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