I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
